Direct Talk

It is very natural for misunderstanding to arise in this world.  If 2 or more people work on the same thing, same team or even live under the same roof – there is a good chance misunderstanding of some type could set in.  In such a scenario the below few are the reactions I have seen that people adopt.

  1. Closing – We close ourselves to that person by building a wall
  2. Testing and observation - There a tendency to get into detective mode, do similar things and note how that person reacts.  Based on this, one draws conclusions
  3. Negative talk/Taunting - tendency to spread negative message in one’s circle of influence about that person.  Indulging in indirect clues about one’s hurt or someone’s imperfections.
  4. New Chapter – Behaving as though nothing is wrong and all is fine.  However, there is a volcano that’s building.
  5. Direct Talk – Just call the person into a private meeting and sort things out.

I recommend the 5th option as I have seen that it is one of the best ways of dealing with things.  It helps one close on issues and also have a clear mind. 

One thing that is existing in our world is the various perceptions on the same object/topic.  For example – I think a red rose is the most beautiful flower.  If we really do a deep dive of “Why” a particular thing is so beautiful according to our perception.  One of the answers is – “Uniqueness”.  We like that quality that only that thing has.  In my above example it could be the color that I am so fascinated about.  And then we find many of those things and like the “Similarity”.  Red rose has all petals which have similar shape and texture.  Over that, we somehow feel that, that particular thing is so similar to us, and we “relate” ourselves with it.  I could relate the intensity of my dedication to my family with the red rose.  So, finally, we all have our perceptions and the second order conversations on each topic.  Someone might just think that red rose is a useless flower and may be lotus is a better flower! :)

We like/dislike people just because of the above 3 factors or the lack of it.  However, what we forget then is that – that particular person might have a unique reason for a particular behavior.   So, we need to work out of our second order conversation and see how we could change our view on a particular person or help the other person understand our view. 

Direct talk is easy to do once you have convinced yourself about it.  Two things we need to work on before getting on a direct talk -

  • Mindset – Willingness to listen, understand and resolve. 
  • Sorting the issue – Understanding specifically what about that particular situation hurt one and breaking it into specific 2-3 points.  Cutting the story that one’s mind builds around the situation.

Few tips to do an effective direct talk -

  • Build the atmosphere of trust - This could be by emphasizing on the reason why one wants to have a direct talk, if one is aware of the probable mistake one has done – apologize for it or just by letting the other person know that one’s true interest in having a good relationship with him/her.
  • Opening up first - Be the first one to talk and bring attention to relevant issues/topics if the other person is not willing to open up.
  • Listen to understand – Listen to the feelings that comes out of the person beyond the body language.
  • Paraphrase – This helps in getting both to come to the same understanding also sometimes clears thoughts for other person.
  • Be Patient – There is a good chance that few things that we hear might upset one.  However, its important to keep calm and be patient.  This helps in responding to the situation rather than reacting.
  • Re-emphasize trust - Do one or two actions that reassure the other person that your need for talk was very +ve.
  • Don’t drag/ End appropriately -  If the other person becomes submissive, don’t take over the situation and make one feel miserable.  Instead show empathy and end the talk with a positive note.  In other situation, if one realizes that the issue created was based on one’s own action/speech – be polite, accept, and reassure that it was not intension or would not repeat.  End appropriately.

 

 

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